This morning I woke up early and ate IHOP without you. I pictured always taking you from now on; somehow, that turned into a distant memory. A dream that was more impossible than I knew. A dream that I wanted to believe to be true, but, knew my life was more dysfunctional than that.
For me, there's a lot of self-loathing that goes into being alone or losing someone, for me. I mean, woe is me. Life matched me up with my perfect soul mate, who doesn't feel for me the way I feel for her. Like a dark comedy. She is someone who understands the sexual art of touch and pain. She is an atheist. She is kind. She is beautiful soul with the physical form to match. She has a wonderful sense of humor. She is smart as hell. She would call me out if I was wrong. She had common sense (believe it or not, something sorely lacking in many women I've dated). All of this in a wonderful package, someone who
And, I'm not really sure why it's gone. Deceitfulness is a difficult thing. Not to say you were ever /full/ of deceit or anything, more that you couldn't be completely open and honest with me. But, the full truths you could never tell me, ultimately, have led to me questioning what else I didn't get the full truth on. And I hate that. I hate that about myself, and I hate questioning whether x & y were the entire truth. Because of that lack of full truth, anytime I think about this scenario, I tend to question everything and think that there's more to the story than I know. And that's your story to tell, not denying that, but this impedes my progress in life if there are pieces to this puzzle that are being hidden from view. I cannot learn from mistakes I didn't know I made.
The bomb dropped yesterday. But there's a strange delay to feeling it it. I'm not sick to my stomach, I'm not dying in pain (yet). I was, also, in a healthy enough place yesterday that I knew I must run. I must escape these four walls to avoid impending doom.
I decided to walk around downtown yesterday. Anything that would get me out of these four walls... some place that was semi-quiet and where I could contemplate and reflect on the cards life just dealt me. I started off parking a little ways away from the library, my initial destination.
I walked through San Diego's equivalent of skid row, which is right outside the library. Not to visit the druggies on the way or anything, but, it does humble me and help me realize my problems are not as bad as I might sometimes make them out to be.
I smiled as I contemplated our time. Sometimes, I had to pry the smile on my face, but I tried to keep it up regardless. I come out of this month knowing this was a vastly different situation than my last relationship, and would cherish our time spent together knowing there was no ugliness or nastiness at the end. Hopefully, it's not the end.
I spent a few hours at the library downtown, in a study room so I could get some silence for reading and contemplation. I made it through about 10 pages in a hour and I just couldn't concentrate at all. I kept needing to re-read the pages, over and over; this is the one thing I contribute to ADD. Long form reading is probably 10x harder for me than people without this infliction, but yesterday was much more difficult. When I made out this plan for my day, yesterday, I was not foolish enough to believe I was, actually, going to be able to read it, but I did want to make that effort. Then I hit up Chipotle (finally ;)) for the first time in months. After all that, I went to the Cowles trailhead and began my ascent to Pyles peak.
I came home to these four walls, cleaned up and I went to check my inbox. Your beautiful face pops up when I open my inbox, for some reason this was unexpected. I think to myself that I've got to remove your face from everything if this is, indeed, over. Like you didn't exist. More that my heart will repeatedly tear at the scars from hurting so bad every time it's reminded at what slipped through my fingers. Then I realized I wanted, like an archaeologist, wanted to try to peel back the layers and figure exactly what happened here. And what I found gave me hope. It was your email that told me that you wanted to be in this for the long haul, and for me not to give up on you. I composed an email to you to let you know that I (re)read it, and, spend the rest of the evening in contemplation on how we went from that three days ago to a complete severing of our relationship. I wish I could say I was more hopeful than I am, though. Sadly, I was just in this place six months ago or so. I had hope that Chance and I would work on things post breakup, and I was never given that opportunity. I can't help but feel like this is a repeat of that situation, but, at least according to what you've said, there's nothing I could have done to avoid this train. It was going to hit me, regardless, of what I did. I can't help but feeling that I did the wrong thing by pulling you too close to me too fast. But that's who I am (was?) and it felt native and natural to me. To err is human and I am but a human. I then ask myself, should I want to change that? Isn't it a beautiful thing to give everything of what I am to someone? In modern day standards, perhaps not.
And with all that, I told you yesterday when we were in bed that "I've been here before". I couldn't remember why or how, but I began to remember yesterday when I was on the trail. After Chance and I broke up, after about a month, I returned to her apartment. We stayed up talking and hurting, knowing that it would likely be our final goodbye, and when we left each other it would be the final time. I layed her head down on the pillow, tucked her in as she slept and left. I was absolutely right. I'm, still, hopeful that this is not a repeat of that, but I'm definitely preparing for it to be.
I striped the sheets off the bed yesterday evening. I put them on Thursday evening because I was looking forward to Friday and I wanted everything to be perfect for you. But I had to strip them off because I need to do what it takes to move on. I can smell your scent when I'm in bed, and I need to try to minimize the anguish of losing you. I've seen a hair or two around, and they do bring a smile to my face, for now. If this is, indeed, the end of us then I will deep clean this place to remove all memories, including contact entry, hairs and everything else. Not that I want to, it's truly the last thing I want, but I don't want my missing you to adversely affect your life by me finding a reason to contact you when you don't want my contact.
Yesterday, I also said I was ready to give up programming, for good. And it couldn't come at a worse time. I wasn't doing that for you directly; more because you mean so much to me.. you're such a profound force in my life, that I wanted to do anything to keep you in my life and to make me happy. Now I have this really empty space in my life. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I should be doing things in my life that are more progressively moving my life forward. Time to stare at a wall or two might not make that happen immediately, but I will get tired of staring at those walls and it will push me to do something new, to focus on something else.
Yesterday, I'm also remembering how you felt the immediate need to tell me how you had not gotten the required rest; looking back on this situation, I'm see that as very confusing, as, I had no control over that. Was that just you letting me know?
I also come out of this knowing that you're likely to be going back into hermit mode. Which is scary to me and brings along many thoughts. Are you returning to Colin? I mentioned this yesterday, I don't remember a response which makes me believe, now, that it's likely. It, also, makes me wonder if I have done the right thing giving you this space. Whether I have done the right thing separating myself from you right now. Should I have kept myself at an arms length so you could have time, and not feel forced to go into hermit mode? Perhaps it would have occurred either way? It also makes me wonder if you're coming back to me, ever, even if just as a friend. When I write you hoping for a response, will I receive one?
(9:30AM)
(Prepare yourself, here I begin aimlessly ranting)
Hehe, heart is beginning to tear out. Poor heart, battered and bruised. It'll return to normal sooner than later, hopefully. I want you back so bad. I want to call you now. I want to talk to you about so many little things. How long does the spaghetti sauce last in the freezer? Doesn't feel right to eat it without you, which, I'm still hopeful to do. I want to go backpacking next weekend, and there's a meetup to do it, but I refuse because if you have a change of heart by next weekend, I want to be there with you and this is a "no cancel" meetup. If I were to RSVP then cancel, people would be particularly angry. Which is OK; I will likely create a good backpacking trip for myself next weekend if it appears you need more time or if, indeed, it is permanently over. I miss you so much. I miss every little thing, in particular, last weekend all the little things we did. The best fucking weekend of my life. When it all ended, I was sure we would last. And it all came kinda crashing down last week; I'm left dismayed and lost this weekend. And likely for some time. I'm wondering what you're going to think when and if you read this blog after I send you the link. Will you respond? What do you do when you're in hermit mode? I feel like I've asked before, but I believed that, with the power of us you would never need to go back in that direction. And I continue with the self-doubt and wondering what I could have done to fix it. "There's nothing you could have done about this." Those words still ringing in my ears, but I can't believe it. I can't believe there's nothing I could have done. "It's a glitch in me." Again, hard for me to accept. I love you way too much to let you go for good. There's the conflict. I need to let you go. If only so you can find what you need in life, even if that's not me. I want to fight for you. But where does "fighting for you" become stalkerish, all about me and completely unwarranted? I wish there was something I could do to further this situation, without complete silence.
And that's why I write. Because if I weren't writing here, I would find a
(12:17pm)
Just took a nap, trying to make more sense of it all. None of it really makes sense to me and I'm rather lost in life right now. So what does one do when they come to such problems in life? The internet. OK, maybe not the best answer, but it's what I've got. Looked at several different sites about this, but most of them assume there were butterflies in the first place, which, from what I remember you telling me there wasn't. One sided love is painful.
(6:33pm)
Binge watching "Better Call Saul", trying to ignore
Either way, even as much as this hurts me right now, I'm really proud of you for making this decision. In a strange way, it draws me even closer to you. It makes me realize what an amazing person that you are, to make the decision you have under these difficult circumstances.
I've been thinking a lot about this, and I'm fairly certain that if you and I fail this soon, I'm going to deactivate my Facebook account for a bit. It's completely humiliating and I'm beyond humbled by this set of circumstances.
All day, I've been wanting to chat. Just to simply drop you a line to tell you I do love you. Then I realize you already know that. It's you who can't say that you feel for me the way I feel for you; and I'm sure that's stressful and painful. I'm sorry you had to do that. And, that, is more or less, why I told you to never say it.
I remember the first time I told you I love you. It came out as a truthful accident. I realized as soon as I said it that it was an accident, but I knew as well that I sure as hell meant it. You are truly going to be someone's treasure. I'm just sorry that I was not that somebody.
(6:51pm)
I know for a fact that this is stalkerish and unreasonable, but you just checked Telegram. Literally the same time I was in. For the first time since 4:30 this morning. You and I are in sync in every way with exception of love. FML.
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